Intimacy, Dating, and Romantic Relationships with Cholinergic Urticaria
Post by: ques on June 01, 2009, 10:05:49 AM
okay, so i deleted my original topic and made a new one….with some modifications. i guess certain words are censored out, heh. and i don’t even know if this is in the right thread. my apologies if it isn’t.
out of curiosity, has urticaria ever affected any aspects your romantic relationships? please do share. in my original topic, i meant to ask about a certain…..um, heat-inducing activity when in a relationship with a partner, but i guess discussions of that sort are not allowed? because this was a genuine concern of mine ever since i was diagnosed with cholinergic urticaria. but if this kind of discussion is not permitted, that’s fine.
i haven’t even really told my partner about this allergy yet….i somewhat mentioned it in passing, but he took it lightly because i didn’t really mention the severity of it. i’m afraid of judgment – i know he wouldn’t judge me or anything, yet i can’t help but have that doubt in the back of my mind. i don’t want him to think that i’m weird or anything, i guess.
i wanna go back to our dates out in the summer sun and all, but to say that i’m afraid of the heat is terrible. however, on a bright note, i’ve been exercising almost daily (like 30 min, just enough so that i sweat like crazy), and i see less symptoms. π
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: billysielu on June 01, 2009, 01:21:55 PM
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Did someone say S-E-X? π
From my experience, even if I tell people about Cholinergic Urticaria they forget anyway. For example: I’ll mention something about being too hot, and they say “you’re young, go enjoy the sun”.
A lot of it depends on your age. From your post it sounds like you’re quite young, perhaps still studying and not living with your partner. Relationships at that age come and go, and sometimes the response you’ll get from a partner isn’t the most understanding – it’s one of those learning processes where you have to get it wrong a few times before you get it right. My advice is to not get caught up on this one decision, in the long run it isn’t that important.
Based on that then, think of yourself first. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I find that thinking about Cholinergic Urticaria makes it worse. So I try to do everything I would normally do, and try to relax whilst doing it. To be sure I’m not worrying about if other people notice, I tell them, answer their first couple of questions, and say I don’t like to talk about it. Then I carry on being my merry self and nobody’s any the wiser.
So I’d say tell him, simply to get if off your chest.
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: HivesGuy on June 01, 2009, 02:45:17 PM
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Hello Ques,
Great post & welcome to the forum.
I am sorry if you were filtered out, lol. There is an automatic filter of most curse/sexual words in the forum software, so that is why some of your words may have been replaced. I put it up several months ago when people were spamming warning on the site. But what you were asking is fine, and has been brought up a few times before on here.
About your question, I have actually written a post about this in the past you may find interesting: Cholinergic Urticaria and Sex.
I have had reactions during “intimacy,” and there is a good chance that you may too. In the article above, I do give some tips on trying to prevent it, and dealing with it.
Basically, I have been married to my wife for over 3 years, and we have faithfully been together for a total of 8 years. I hadn’t met her when I first got Cholinergic Urticaria, but then it went away, and I started dating her after it had gone away. So we knew each other very well when it unexpectedly returned, and in fact were married, and that was the first time we were together that I had to deal with Cholinergic Urticaria. So for us it wasn’t an issue at all, and we just manage it the best we can when it does happen (which is rather rare). My wife and I already were 100% comfortable around each other, and knew everything anyway. So I was lucky that I didn’t have to explain this during the early phase of our relationship.
I think the big key is communication. In a relationship, you MUST communicate your feelings (and hives). I know it can be really awkward in your situation since it is a relatively new relationship. Something you can do is try bring it up more. After that, try to force a reaction in front of him at some point if you can, so that he can see what happens in a “non-intimate” setting. That way, it won’t be a surprise if it happens during intimacy. Also, do everything you can to prevent the reaction in the first place.
Before you have a reaction to show him what happens, try to associate Cholinergic Urticaria with any other allergy type so he can understand what you are talking about, and explain that it has been really bothering you lately. I usually “play dumb” with people and say something that they can understand such as, “Man, these food allergies are causing me to have hives a lot lately, everytime I get hot, the hives flare up.” Or I suggest that something in the environment has been causing an allergic reaction on my skin and it gets worse when heated. People can usually understand that much better than telling them we get itchy when we get hot, and they will just relate Cholinergic Urticaria to just regular hives.
Other than that, good luck! I know it may be awkward, but you should try to tell him so that he can understand. Again, just pretend like it is another typical allergy that just flares up when you get hot.
Thanks for the great post, and welcome to the forum. Best of luck to you!
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: jga on June 01, 2009, 08:31:37 PM
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Quote
heat-inducing activity when in a relationship with a partner
hehe, oh that. I’ve never had Cholinergic Urticaria during “that” and I’ve had “casual encounters” before.
Not sure if this is G-rated to mention here but I also auditioned for a part in a particular movie genre. Knowing that I’ve never had Cholinergic Urticaria in my err “romantic” life before I went ahead and did the audition, which involved being naked in front of strangers with really high standards for bodies (casting directors and producers).
It was the ultimate test for my hives and I managed to not breakout. I was asked to do a 2nd audition but I ended up not doing the movie though because I started to worry about my career opportunities (I started to get paranoid that I’d be stigmatized by employers, sure it was just for some movie probably nobody would watch but then I kept going “what if..just what if someone finds out). So pretty much, don’t put a lot of worry during that “activity” cause I think the worry will make you breakout more than the actual “activity”, and if you do feel a breakout coming, just ask your partner to give you some space so you can cool off. I’ve always had a plan in case I broke out in that activity to just say “weird, I must have eaten something I’m allergic too”, but I’ve never had to resort to it. If you’re going to do that “activity” with someone you’re stable with though eventually you’ll have to explain truthfully.
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: Lenton on June 03, 2009, 11:02:32 AM
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I have had it happen plenty of times during intimate sexual experiences. And I know how it feels. Even though my girlfriend was always understanding and would wait it out or turn a fan on towards us, it always made me feel sad, like I couldn’t live up to another males expectations.
That’s how sexuality is. Rather it is with a wife, girlfriend, stranger, it is one of the most self conscious things on the planet. And when Cholinergic Urticaria attacks during it, it can really make you feel down.
If your partner isn’t understanding then they aren’t worth it. Just try and point a fan towards you guys. You can get on top so the fan is hitting you directly and with your partner on bottom they will keep warm. That’s what I do ;D
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: pinkleopard on June 08, 2009, 09:37:27 AM
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great topic!
hives and intimacy are tricky with a new partner who isn’t familiar with the territory. i am like you, in the sense that i don’t want to be judged. i once had a guy ask me if he could “get my rash?” HORRIFYING!
i think if it is someone who you want to be serious with (assuming it isn’t a fling, so to speak) you have to just tell it like it is. tell him what your triggers are what to expect. anyone who is bothered by it lacks compassion and probably wouldn’t hold up well in a real, adult relationship anyway. life is full of crazy stuff! Cholinergic Urticaria can be awful, but having a supportive partner eases the pain a lot.
now if you just want to have a “casual encounter” i don’t think you need to spill the beans on the whole deal unless you want to. i have only had one casual encounter since having Cholinergic Urticaria, but i sort of just kept it “hidden.” i had a bad reaction about 20 minutes after the fact, but the lights were low, and when it was “over,” i split. π
speaking from just my experience, my relationship has helped my situation. my boyfriend encourages me to do positive things (like going outside instead of staying in and sulking) and he is the happiness when i am miserable. i told him that my hives were ugly, and so on, but he says i look like a beautiful pink leopard, lol. (hence the screen name.) he also jokes that i come in vanilla AND strawberry shades. his ability to not “freak out” (like i am soooo prone to doing) has made my hiveship bearable.
so, in short, you can have a man and have hives. π
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: Honkymagoo on June 25, 2009, 06:03:53 PM
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Quote from: billysielu on June 01, 2009, 01:21:55 PM
Did someone say S-E-X? π
From my experience, even if I tell people about Cholinergic Urticaria they forget anyway. For example: I’ll mention something about being too hot, and they say “you’re young, go enjoy the sun”.
If I had a dime for every time someone did this to me… Even my own father doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it even though he’s seen me in the middle of a terrible breakout more than once (we golfed a lot last summer.) I wish these people could experience Cholinergic Urticaria for a day to understand how much it shapes our everyday lives.
As for the topic I haven’t been in a relationship since the winter and it didn’t affect any of that because it was always so cold.
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Title: Re: romantic relationships
Post by: Castvania on October 22, 2009, 09:53:39 AM
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I used to have that worry when i was single, i went through a stage where i had Cholinergic Urticaria, then it went away for years, and its back now, but when i was younger, i used to worry “What if i get itchy during doing it”
The best thing to do is explain it to your partner and be honest. If someone judges you, they are not worth the trouble
When i met my fiancee, and it got to the stage we agreed to go to the next step, i explained to her that i used to have this condition, and a big worry was that i would get itchy, it would ruin things then, and perhaps in the future. She didnt care that i had this, or that it might come back, and that was a worry off my back.
There have been some rare occasion when the action can get very hot and heavy, i will need a timeout and she is very good to me in that regard. What we do now as a compromise if we both really want it bad is hop in the shower. Your not going to itch with water, and in the small chance you might, just run some cold water over it π
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Title: Dating and Vacationing with this crap
Post by: mtdew24541 on April 16, 2012, 10:44:59 AM
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So, someone wrote something a long while back about dating with this condition we have. S-e-x was the main concern…but for me I don’t worry about that as much (once I get to that point it better be with someone who understands and isn’t judging).
My main concern is when first dating and doing activities together. I’m young and single and it seems every guy out there loves to work out, play sports, go outside….I would love to do those things too if I didn’t turn into a melted heap of sadness barely hanging on for dear life when it’s hotter than 80. I can’t go to the beach, I can’t go to theme parks in the season (only in like March and October), I can’t go outside at all for longer than 15 minutes if I’m in a place where it’s over 80. Therefore, most fun activities you do with other people are out.
When you’re first trying to get to know someone, to just tell them you can’t do all this stuff is really off-putting…
And I know the response is probably going to be “just find someone who will go inside the museums with you all day like you do” but I’ve been trying for years and can’t find anyone who really likes living the inside life like I do.
(So…wanted, a man who would spend 6 hours inside a museum with me learning about dinos and mummies)
but really, what are your tactics for dating and/or vacationing, explaining that you can’t do stuff? I’ve seen responses from men, but I feel left out because I think girls are much more understanding when they’re starting to date guys….guys aren’t as understanding with girls, especially in your 20s…
Also, the vacationing too. I had to turn down a trip to FL in August…just the THOUGHT of standing outside in Orlando on an August day scares me….and the person who invited me is like “oh yeah you’ll be alright, I don’t care how you look, I know you turn red” I’m like you don’t understand…I can’t do it…
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Title: Re: Dating and Vacationing with this crap
Post by: HivesGuy on April 16, 2012, 12:53:02 PM
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I can definitely understand your frustration, and I totally see what you’re saying.
The only practical solutions (or advice) I could offer is below:
1. Option #1: Work on making your hives better so that you don’t even have to really deal with the problem any longer. Of course, this is easier said than done, but many people (including myself) have found some really good solutions to managing the hives or even eliminating them. If you haven’t already, I’d spend some time sifting through my blog posts on diet and exercise, and also read what’s worked for others here as well. Even a slight improvement could make a big difference in your life.
I myself could not even bare going outside more than a few minutes, and had to pretty much live inside extensively. I couldn’t exercise, and my hives were totally severe–meaning I would erupt in thousands of tiny pinpoint hives which nearly debilitated me. But through all of my efforts with diet and exercise, my hives are ZERO problem now. I just got done cutting trees in my yard, and its like 80, and I was sweating just fine.
So I would put a lot of energy (if you haven’t already) into trying solutions to make the overall immune system effects lessened (which in my case, was strongly linked to diet). Of course, always consult a doctor.
2. Options #2: Find a guy who really isn’t in to that stuff. I know this may seem silly, but keep in mind that there are all types of men, with many different personalities. I’m really not into vacations and all that stuff. I’m an introvert, and my idea of a fun time usually involves things that stimulate my mind more than my body. I’d rather be indoors watching a good movie, reading and researching topics, etc.
I mean, I will go on vacations and I always enjoy myself (and I plan to go this summer), but I don’t naturally tend to want to do those things, and I usually only do them for the most part because my wife wants to.
My nephew is the same exact way, and he isn’t really into a lot of the “outdoors stuff.” So perhaps if you meet the right guy, he wont want to drag you all over to bizarre places, and instead will mostly want to be indoors, where your hives are much more manageable.
So just keep in mind that you may meet just the right guy, who will be very understanding, and not really into doing a lot of physical outdoors stuff anyway (assuming you can never get your hives better).
Lastly, allow me to just share a brief personal experience (in hopes that it may encourage you a bit). When I was in my teens (in high school), I always wondered if I would find a girl and get married. I wanted someone that I was super attracted to, who would be really nice, honest, intelligent, etc.
But despite dating quite a bit in high school, I never really met a girl that had all of those qualities. It was very disappointing, and I often wondered if I’d ever be happy or if those “true love stories” really existed.
But I met my wife in my very late teens. We immediately started talking, then dating, then dating seriously, then married. We’ve been together now a total of almost 11 years. We are both so happy, and I truly believe that she is the EXACT woman God wanted me to marry.
We share so many traits and background similarities, that we totally understand and depend on each other (its almost scary). We both came from broken homes (single moms), both had our share of difficulties in life, and we are connected so deeply it is amazing. We are totally inseparable. We are together every second we can possibly be, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
We do EVERYTHING together. I mean when I am remodeling, my wife is helping me. We shop together, watch movies together, pray together, bathe together, surf the web together, etc.
So hang in there, and keep in mind that there may be the perfect guy out there for you right at this second. Just hang in there, and I think one day you’ll find him. It will probably be when you least expect it (it was for me), and it will be worth the wait.